Thread: Moms Funeral

My mom passed in July. I greatly appreciate the e-mails, cards, flowers and calls. But where did the funeral etiquette go??? People were texting in line and I know of at least one playing a game on her phone, turn the damn device off of a few min while you are paying your respects!! I was first and people looked at me and said I'm here to see so and so, meaning another member of the family standing in line in horrible shoes trying to put on a brave face. I always go through the line and introduce myself to each person and that I work with your sister or son and I'm sorry for your loss, anything other then I'm here to see someone else and then just look at them. I heard "God I wish this line would move faster", hell I don't want to be standing here, I want to be having dinner with my mom. "I can't believe you don't recognize me", I haven't seen you in years, you probably wouldn't know me either if I wasn't standing in line. They should have hand sanitizer next to the family, wipe your nose with a tissue not the back of your hand, they are provided and you are not 8 years old, for Pete's sake carry some Kleenex or have a hanky, they still make them I've seen them, my husband uses them, they still sell them. Please don't hand me a card for the family, certainly you know someone's address and to say, sorry I didn't have a stamp? I'm in a brain fog, I've already been standing an hour and telling me not to forget it when I set it on the table next to me to shake the next hand is not helping. Don't say call if there is anything I can do, unless you mean it, no explanation needed. I don't expect perfection, I'm not ungrateful just simple respect and courtesy, I know people don't know what to say at these things, hell I didn't know what to say but this isn't my first funeral, run something though your head. Telling me I've put on weight since the last time you saw me, which was 20 years ago, shocks me into a reality that I have spent the last year or so eating hamburgers from the drive up late at night due to exhaustion of taking care of my loved one, working and taking care of my family, file that under "MY your hair is going grey, I guess we are all getting older", really? And this is only a few things I remember. I know I sound like a horrible person and I can live with that but if I can just help one grieving person get through the day, the next week, it's one month, it's 2 months to the day. I've learned from this experience, I have one suggestion for you, mark on your digital calendar on your phone to call so and so, or send them a card in a couple of weeks or a month, at the holidays, let them know you are thinking of them because I know your life will go on the min you walk out of the funeral home (glad that's over), but the person whose loss is so great they can't breath it will go on much longer. Oh and Thank You to the person who sent me the gift card for take out, seriously, with all the paperwork it was really nice going through the drive up to bring my family a nice chicken dinner with sides and to the person who sent me a page of stamps so I didn't have to go out and buy some more to mail out the Thank You cards I've spent hours writing. It was very thoughtful.

Thank you I just needed to vent. And maybe give people a view from the other side of the condolence line. I like the gift card idea so much I think I'll use it myself especially if they have children at home, people used to bring food during these times and personally I'm glad no one did that because you need to return all the dishes, memories from when we lost dad suddenly 35 years ago.

Since I've written this I've been through several more funeral lines, my cousins wife passed from cancer, she was a fighter. I am sorry to say many of the things I described above still happen, I actually turned around and told someone to turn off their phone, yes I looked like a royal "B" but frankly I don't care. We got to the front of the line and my poor cousin couldn't remember my name, God I felt so sorry for him, I just smiled a little and mentioned the very nice turn out and I'll call him for lunch in a couple weeks, which I did. They had it at a church and not a funeral home, not my first one of these but the church has a great idea. The line was very long, from the front of the church, out into the lobby and all the way out the door and down the side walk. The church started letting people in to sit in rows, they use chairs and not pews and a member of the church would invite each row to stand as the line got shorter. What a great idea, a lot of the people were getting up there in years and standing would have been impossible for some.

So many funerals since this one, my FIL, husband's brother, husband's last aunt and uncle, and my last aunt, several friends or their spouses. I know now what mom meant when she said she felt like the last line of defense. Like keeping death at bay for the younger generation. It is a strange sensation. I have a close friend fighting cancer we don't know if she is winning yet, but fingers and toes crossed. Growing older is no picnic, not for the faint at heart. The entire generation before us is gone and life is chipping away at ours.

This has really been a year of loss for me too. I joined a couple of community theatre groups shortly after I moved to Toledo, and made friends with lots of good people. Early this year we lost a long time supporter, a sweet and feisty 90+ year old lady - I used to send her cards often to let her know I was thinking of her, but didn't visit because I was afraid I might expose her to something. In the last few weeks, I lost another director/actor friend (cancer) and found out my ex passed away the same morning another theatre friend passed (Oct. 25). It's unsettling, and I have to go to Texas next week and start getting the estate settled. No funeral or service - it was his wish to be cremated. His girlfriend and I are friends, and another friend who lives on the property are helping get things squared away. It's going to be a bit of a mess but hope we can get a lot taken care of during the week I am there.

I hope you are doing well after the loses you suffered.
Blessings