Thread: Might just be in one of my moods

Maybe I'm just in one of my moods, but I have so much going on right now, I just need to vent. I'm sure this will end up being long, sorry.

I've been wondering what possessed me to quit my job over 12 years ago when my younger son was born (he'll be 13 in October). He had problems when he was a baby and I thought it was the right thing to do, quit my job and stay home with him and my then 6-year-old son (now 19). Things were going good when they were little. Now my younger son has ADD and has an appointment with an autism specialist on Thursday. He was seen by the school psychologist and while he said he's not "diagnosing" him with autism, he'd put him on the low-end spectrum. I mentioned this to his doctor during his last appointment. He, in turn, referred him to the specialist since autism has such a broad spectrum. I'm kind of torn on what I want to happen. Although I don't want him to be autistic, I would love for it to explain some of his behavior and for the school to actually acknowledge him as needing more help than just coming up with an IEP just to shut me up.

My older son, on the other hand, is a different story. He is 19, will be starting his 2nd year of college next month and has no friends. He had friends while he was in high school, but after graduation, most of them moved away. He doesn't go out and seems somewhat depressed. I try to encourage him to go out and make friends without pushing, but he doesn't. He's never really been the outgoing type, but he does get along with people. During his summer break he's been working at the same place my husband works. He hates it (I don't blame him), but won't look for anything else. He worked there last summer too. He's only making minimum wage, but the boss just hired 2 other guys and they are both making more than he is. One has a college degree in elementary education (how this helps in the construction field is beyond me) and the other claims to have worked for a construction company, but even my husband says he doesn't know anything about what they're doing. Anyway, sorry about getting off topic.

I just feel like a failure as a mother, with one child with ADD and the other with no friends and no motivation to make any. A stay-at-home mom is supposed to help and support her kids and I did think I was doing that all these years. To look at them all these years later, however, makes me feel like I didn't do my job as a mom. It makes me feel like I should have just kept at my job and raised my kids like so many other moms do. Then maybe we'd have health insurance we could afford and could use. Our younger son is still on Healthy Start, the older one just aged out of it and is paying for his own health insurance. My husband and I have our own coverage we pay a ridiculous amount each month for, but don't go to the doctor because we have an outrageous deductible just to be able to afford the premiums. I have several things I need to see a doctor for, but just can't because we can't afford it. Our bills and house payment are paid each month, but we have little left for anything else. I've even been putting groceries on the credit card even though I vowed not to use it anymore and pay off what we already owe on it.

On top of all this, my mom is in a mental hospital. For the past several years, ever since my dad got cancer, she's been depressed, thinking she gave my dad cancer (long story). She just sat and obsessed over it all this time and is now convinced the many doctors she's seen in the last several years are all out to get her. The meds her doctor has her on (court ordered so we KNOW she's taking them, she's observed where she is) aren't doing anything for her. Now the doctor is talking shock treatment. I've done a little research on it and she is even willing to try it, but I have people who are close to me telling me to look deep into it and not to consider it. I just don't know what to do. She's not herself. She's always done everything for my dad, including cooking, who is now living alone since she's in the hospital. I do what I can for him, cook extra food for us and take some to him, even cooking special things just for him, do his shopping, cleaning, bill paying, etc. I go with him to see Mom at the hospital every time he goes at least once a week. The food part is really tricky because he had oral cancer and had to have a portion of his mouth removed. He has dentures but because of the amount that was removed from the roof of his mouth, they don't fit well at all (he's had them adjusted several times) and he can't eat most things.

I've heard of karma and believe in it. I'm just wondering what I've done to have karma come back at me with all this. I'm dealing, it's just very hard. I do have 2 sisters, both younger than I am. One lives about 40 minutes away and has her summers off (she's a teacher), but her kids are in everything so she's always busy. The other sister lives in the same town we do, but she's pregnant with her first baby and is working all the time.

Sorry if I've just rambled on and on, but I just had to get it out. Thanks for staying with me if you made it this far!

:HUGS: I stayed home to raise my kids ... sat down and did the math .. by the time you subtracted the cost of daycare, supplies purchased for daycare, lunches, gas to and from work and the day care... I would have been KEEPING about a dollar a day. Not worth it. You can't look back and see what they "might have" missed; you can only know you gave your best. It is a easy thing to beat yourself up and wish the twist and turns could have been different... but you can't do that. If your younger son has "special needs" ... he wouldn't have been any better in a day care and - in my considered opinion - he would have been a lot worse.

You older son is just in an awkward place ... a lot of kids are - betwixt and between - all the build up to graduation ...and .... POOF !
Be patient ... it is just a hard time in a young mans' life.

:HUGS: for you ... come on in and vent anytime !!

i dont have very many friends i have never really gave it much thought of my kids my youngest really doesnt but ithink the older one does

The specialist will at least give you answers. My only advice from my own situation is not to tell the specialist the ped referred you because of the school psychologist. Just tell the specialist the truth about what you and the school see.

Things always happen for a reason regardless of whether we understand them. My favorite phrase is "God doesn't give us anything unless he believes we can handle it."

Sweetie you are doing the best you can do. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Not 1 person here has a perfect life.
I wish I hadn't stopped working when I had my oldest son but my EX wanted a SAHM is that I what I was. Now I wish I had just had the kids & not had the husband. After my divorce I had to re-enter the workforce after being way for 25 years. I am an accountant, when I stopped working I was still doing ledgers by hand & adding machine. It took me time but I figured it out. I was fortunate that I found someone who was willing to take a chance on me and hire me. Right now I am in a love/hate relationship with my job but it is what it is. I had opportunities to leave but I do love what I do & who I work for.

My oldest son, he is 31...sigh...right now he is on unemployment & is perfectly happy to milk it for his 99 weeks. I think he is so wrong but it is his life. He is currently living with my 87 year old Mom who is in the early stages of dementia. He takes great care of her but she is beginning to make him crazy so he may be moving out.

My youngest son graduated from college 2 years ago but has yet to find a job in his field. He did get a promotion in his current job which will give him a nice boost in salary plus benefits. He & his girlfriend of 8 years broke-up in June. Massive & nasty break-up. If you were on facebook you all read the message. Then she came into my office to fight me for my son. Then she started to phone stalk me at work; call, ring one & hang up & keep hitting redail. She did that at my home until I blocked her number. She then went to my house & demanded my son move out that instant. He refused & broke-up with her. He didn't have many friends locally since he was away at college & his friends were there. Now he started going out with the guys from work & finally doing what 26 year old guys are supposed to do. Last week she showed up at his job to apologize & remind him vacation is in 2 weeks. He is considering going with her but just as friends. I think he is crazy to go but he is an adult.

My stomach is in knots. I can't eat or sleep.