Thread: Joke of the day!

You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes,
without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set
up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you
how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that
every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small
variations in the environment (which can't be controlled in a cost-effective
fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed
across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don't get
pissed off and buy another product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory
got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new
project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve
their empty box's problem, as their engineering department was already too
stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor
allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they
had a fantastic solution -- on time, on budget, high quality and everyone
in the project had a great time.

They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would
sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it
should. The line would stop; someone would walk over and yank the defective
box off of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line. A
while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the Return on Investment of
the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory
after the scales were put in place.
Very few customer complaints and they were gaining market share. "That's
some money well spent!" - he said, before looking closely at the other
statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after
three weeks of production use. It should have picked up at least a dozen a
day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He requested an
inquiry, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the
report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects,
because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of
the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the
scale, there was a cheap desk fan, blowing the empty boxes off the conveyor
belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," says one of the workers -- "one of the guys put it there
'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."

If God Had Voice Mail ...


Thank you for calling heaven.

I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
The Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)

For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

I was talking to a neighbor's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were to be the President, what's the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the grass, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, 'cause she's only 6... And while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her folks still aren't talking to me....

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Sad Keanu Wants to Join You

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. 'May I help you, sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs...After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada , which date back into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

The man replied, ' Billings, Montana.'

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Billings.'

'I know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer


( TY Tami :rotfl: )