Thread: Joke of the day!

"My favorite color is TOUPE because it rhymes with DOPE"

I believe this was sent it designed to NOT get a job.... in which case .... "Mission Accomplished"!

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk? The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over." "That's not so bad,what's the big deal?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened?" the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over." "Again?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed." The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

A small grandson that was shopping with his grandfather got lost in the mall.

The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”

The guard asked, “What’s his name?” The boy replied, “Grandpa.”

The guard smiles, then asks “What’s he like?” to which the little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied, “Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

REMEMBER


Falling snow is just unassembled snowmen.

Nag Nag Nag


An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it', on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Birds of a feather flock together . .. And then s**t on your car.

A penny saved is a Government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher ]It is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find Something lost around the House is to buy a replacement ..

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.

The sole purpose of a child's Middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' Together it spells 'Theirs....

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and]
bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want People to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change
from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . AMEN!