Thread: Know Any Good TAX Jokes ??

TAXING SITUATION...

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"The same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."




VISITING THE IRS

A man walked into the tax collector's office and sat down and smiled at everyone. "May I help you?" said the clerk in charge.

"No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years."



DEDUCTION

A stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited.
He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the auditor pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" asked the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."




A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"





A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."







There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the over-payment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

Might I suggest you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer

A good name is to be chosen over great riches. It's tax free! . . . so far.

No respectable person is in favor of nudity, but after paying taxes, some of us may not have any other choice.

What this country needs most is a SPCTT - The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Taxpayers.

Patriotism will probably never develop to the point of parading in honor of the "unknown taxpayer."

A dyed~in-the-wool patriot is one who says he's sorry he has only one income to give to his country.

The real patriot is a person who saves enough of his salary each week to pay his income tax.

A politician is a man who never met a tax he didn't try to hike.

Wouldn't it be grand if politicians would fight poverty with something besides taxes?

After all is said and done, the politicians say it and the taxpayers do it.

It is reported that the politicians in Washington are thinking of abolishing the income tax and taking the income.

Regardless of who wins the election they have to raise taxes to pay for the damage.

If our President wants to abolish poverty, he can do it by abolishing the IRS.

Poverty is what you experience the day after you pay your income tax.

One of the biggest advantages of being poor is that you'll never have to undergo the trauma of a tax audit.

The chaplains who pray for the United States Senate and the House of Representatives might speak a word now and then on behalf of the taxpayers.

Unquestionably, there is progress every where. The average American now pays out as much in taxes as he formerly received in wages.

With a billion dollar budget, it ought to be possible to set aside enough money to teach the IRS the basic English necessary to write a readable income-tax form.

Another American invention is the permanent temporary tax.

The best tax law is the one that gets the most feathers with the least squawking.

Which has made the biggest liars out of Americans - golf or the income tax?

A man admitted he lied on his income-tax return - he listed himself as the head of the household!

Life is one dodge after another - cars, taxes, and responsibilities.

The best things in life are free - plus tax, of course.

The way the cost of living and taxes are today, you might as well marry for love.

The average man now lives thirty-one years longer than he did in 1850. He has to in order to get his taxes paid.

A serious impediment to a successful marriage these days is the difficulty of supporting both the government and a spouse on one small income.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth - less 40 percent inheritance tax.

When the time comes for the meek to inherit the earth, taxes will most likely be so high that they won't want it.

The meek may inherit the earth just in time to see it sold for taxes.

Of course you can't take it with you, and with high taxes, lawyer's fees, and funeral expenses you can't leave it behind either.

Benjamin Franklin had an axiom, "A penny saved is a penny earned." But that was before the sales tax was invented.

A dime is a dollar with all the various taxes deducted.

The reward for saving money is being able to pay our taxes without borrowing.

Our beloved country has made remarkable progress. Now politicians have arranged to spend taxes before they collect them.

A political promise today means another tax tomorrow.

We may need tax reform, but it seems we need a lot of spending reform too.

The futility of riches is stated very plainly in two places: the Bible and the income-tax form.

In Russia the people have only what the government gives them; in America the people have only what the government does not take away from them in taxes.


If science says nothing is impossible, how about a mechanical taxpayer?

Science has increased our life span considerably. Now we can look forward to paying our taxes at least ten years longer.

Space scientists have made an analysis of the lunar soil. It shows that corn can't be raised on the moon, but it's great for raising taxes.

At no time is it easier to keep your mouth shut than during an audit of your income-tax return.

Our government could raise unlimited revenue simply by taxing sin.

Being a success today means the government takes away in taxes what you used to dream of earning.

An American can consider himself a success when it costs him more to support the government than to support a family.

Patrick Henry ought to come back and see what taxation with representation is like.

The greatest general to emerge from any war is general taxation.

Taxation is the gentle art of picking the goose in such a way as to secure the greatest amount of feathers with the least amount of squawking.

The ideal form of taxation is the kind that will be paid by somebody else. Our forefathers should have fought for representation without taxation!

The fourth of July, 1776 - that's when we declared our freedom from unfair British taxation. Then, in 1777, we started our own system of unfair taxation.

Taxation is a lot like sheep shearing. As long as you shear a sheep it will continue to produce a new crop of wool. But you can skin the animal only once.

In two hundred years we've gone from taxation without representation to taxation without relaxation.

If something new has been added, it's probably another tax.

The man who said taxes would keep you halfway broke was a lousy judge of distance.

The only thing left to tax is the wolf at door.

Why don't high taxes and high prices marry and settle down?

Is there any human activity that isn't tax licensed, regulated, or restricted?

It looks like we all will eventually make a living collecting taxes from one another.

Stay on your job and pay your taxes promptly. Thousands of workers in the government bureaus are counting on you.

A penny saved is a penny taxed.

There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.

When it comes to a tax reduction, never has so little been waited for by so many for so long.

Why not slap a tax on political gas?

After paying all our taxes we're tempted to call Washington and try to get ourselves declared a disaster area.


We all get excited these days about paying taxes because we never know which country our money is going to.

It will be real nice if taxes get down to where we can afford to make a living.

What's all this howling about hidden taxes? We wish they would hide all of them.

Next year will be the year they lower taxes...it always is.

Breathing seems to be about the only activity in this country that isn't taxed...yet.

It's about time that somebody invents a tax that can't be hiked.

There's a "tax cocktail" on the market - two drinks and you withhold nothing.

I know a man who says he's going to invest his money in taxes - it's the only sure thing to go up.

Old taxes never die - they just change their names.

A window sign in Chicago: "Tax Returns Prepared - Honest Mistakes Are Our Specialty."

Nowadays anybody who puts two and two together also has to add in the sales tax.

About the only thing good about those withholding taxes is that a fellow doesn't get so mad all at once.

Increasing taxes to stop inflation makes about as much sense as fanning a fire to cool its heat.

A "slight tax increase" costs you about $300, while a "substantial tax cut" lowers your taxes by about $30.

Some tax loopholes become nooses.

Death and taxes are inevitable, but death doesn't repeat itself.

When Congress tries to decide between two new taxes, it's like a woman deciding between two dresses - she usually decides to take both.

If you don't hear some people murmuring about taxes these days, it's probably because so many others are screaming.

Nobody jumps on taxes when they're down.

By the time you finish paying all your taxes, about all you have left is a receipt.

If Congress would repeal the nuisance tax, we wouldn't have any taxes to pay.

They keep telling us about a tax-freeze plan. How about a tax-free plan?

One can be born free and then be taxed to death.

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

When the average man looks at what he has left after his taxes are paid, he begins to realize that Social Security may have real meaning for him.

No matter how staggering the taxes, they never fall down.

Save your pennies and the sales tax will take care of them.

Whenever one tax goes down, another goes up.

A certain Senator recently informed us that the average American is not "tax conscious," and this is doubtless true. If he shows signs of coming to, he is immediately struck down with another tax.

There's one consolation about life and taxes - when you finish the former, you're through with the latter.

We have been anesthetized by hidden taxes, hypnotized by indirect taxes, and pulverized by camouflaged taxes.

A politician will consider every way of reducing taxes except cutting expenses.

Even if money could bring happiness, think what the luxury tax would be!

The reward for saving your money is being able to pay your taxes without borrowing.

A tax-dodger is a man who does not love his country less, but loves his money more.

Everything we have is taxed - even our patience.

Thinking is one thing that no one has ever been able to tax - but the IRS is getting jealous about the situation.

"What you don't know doesn't hurt you" doesn't apply to the hidden taxes in the things you buy.

A man pays a luxury tax on a leather billfold, an income tax on the stuff he puts into it, and a sales tax when he takes the stuffing out of it.

Take a look at your tax bills and you'll quit calling them "cheap politicians."

No enemy nation could risk invading the United States. It couldn't afford the high taxes.

A tax cut is like motherhood, apple pie, and the Star Spangled Banner - everybody is for it.

We wouldn't mind this "pay-as-you-go" tax so much if we knew what we were paying for and where it was going.

Another difference between death and taxes is that death is frequently painless.

You really can't beat the game. If you earn anything, it's minus taxes. If you buy anything it's plus taxes.

One hopeful note on hidden taxes is that there can't be many more places to hide them.

We wonder why they call them "tax returns" when so little of it does.

The best things in life are still free, but the tax experts are working overtime on the problem.


Taxation, like a lot of other things, is based on supply and demand. The Government demands, and we supply!

Two income tax collectors died and arrived at the pearly gates. Just ahead of them were two clergy, but St. Peter motioned them aside and took the internal revenue into heaven at once. "Why they ahead of us?" the surprised religious leaders asked. "Haven't we done everything possible to spread the good word?" "Yes," said St. Peter,"but those two IRS agents scared the H*ll out of more people than you ever did!"

Golf is a lot like taxes --
you drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

This sign on an Ontario service station: "We collect taxes -- federal, provincial, and local. We also sell gasoline as a sideline."

There is untold wealth in Canada -- especially at tax time!

"What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
The taxidermist takes only your skin!" -- Mark Twain.

It's a privilege to be able to pay taxes, but at this rate, it's a privilege I could give up.I just got my tax forms in the mail. Who says blanks can't hurt you?

Tax auditor : "Reverend, we wanted to confirm that Jane Smith gave a gift of $10,000 last year." Minister : "Well, she certainly will."

A sign outside a small flower store read, "We collect taxes for the federal, provincial, and municipal governments. We also sell flowers as a sideline."

Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day, and ends with cries of "May Day!" ?

I work at H and R Block and am taking these in to work today. It will help make these last few crazy days of this season a bit brighter.Because the people we are dealing with right now are the ones that owe and owe big and aren't in a good mood.LOL

Here's to promoting a happier workplace ( my prayers are with you .. )

:

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) take over. I'm writing to tell you something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to driver her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'Ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers?)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it.

Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob